


flashback in a film reel

by angellwings



Series: when the smoke clears [2]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Epiphanies, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Moving On, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Personal Growth, Revelations, Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:42:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27719032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angellwings/pseuds/angellwings
Summary: He sits in his truck for several minutes after Sylvie walks away and tries to sort through the night.It hadn’t even been an hour since he spotted her walking into Molly’s and made a fool of himself by jumping up from his bar stool like some Colin-Firth-Slash-Mr.-Darcy wannabe. (Yeah, he knows who Colin Firth is. Christie was crazy about him growing up. And maybe Matt found something relatable in Darcy’s socially awkward tendencies. So sue him.) But so much had happened. Too much if you ask him.Processing it on his own feels too difficult, but he shouldn’t put figuring himself out entirely on Sylvie’s shoulders — even if she’s the only person he really wants to talk to. So he takes a breath, steps out of the truck, and heads back inside.
Relationships: Sylvie Brett/Matthew Casey
Series: when the smoke clears [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027452
Comments: 29
Kudos: 132





	flashback in a film reel

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** This is part two of “wait & see” but I decided to connect them as a “series” instead of a second chapter because I don’t know how far this plot is going to go. I may do a part three. I may not and the idea of posting it as it’s own one shot takes some of that pressure off. 
> 
> But that being said if you haven’t read “wait & see” some of this may not make sense. Check the series link to go back one for “wait & see”.
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> xoxo

_******_

_“And it's hard to be at a party,_

_When I feel like an open wound._

_It's hard to be anywhere these days,_

_When all I want is you._

_You're a flashback in a film reel,_

_On the one screen in my town,_

_And I just wanted you to know,_

_That this is me trying.”_

_-“this is me trying” by Taylor Swift_

_******_

He sits in his truck for several minutes after Sylvie walks away and tries to sort through the night. 

It hadn’t even been an hour since he spotted her walking into Molly’s and made a fool of himself by jumping up from his bar stool like some Colin-Firth-Slash-Mr.-Darcy wannabe. (Yeah, he knows who Colin Firth is. Christie was crazy about him growing up. And maybe Matt found something relatable in Darcy’s socially awkward tendencies. So sue him.) But so much had happened. Too much if you ask him.

Processing it on his own feels too difficult, but he shouldn’t put figuring himself out entirely on Sylvie’s shoulders — even if she’s the only person he really wants to talk to. So he takes a breath, steps out of the truck, and heads back inside.

He still has to settle up with Herrmann, after all.

He waves at Herrmann, grabs his barely touched beer that still sits on the counter, and walks out onto the Patio. Severide is sitting at the outdoor bar, wordlessly watching Kidd mix cocktails. He spots Matt and furrows a brow at him in a silent question, _where’s Brett_?

Matt huffs out a tired breath and shakes his head.

Kelly’s eyes narrow and then he nods to the empty stool to his left.

“I think I have the shittiest luck of any man on the whole damn planet,” Matt vents as he plops down on the stool.

“What happened?” Severide asks, with half a dry smirk.

“ _Antonio_ happened.”

Severide’s mouth drops open and his eyes widen. “Please tell me we’re speaking figuratively? As in the dude broke Brett’s heart and left her skittish around divorced men type of a figurative.”

Matt blinks at him. He doesn’t mean figuratively but how had that fact never occurred to him? Especially, in light of the conversation he and Sylvie had _just_ had.

He shakes himself back to the present, putting a pin in that point for later. “No, I mean _literally_. He walked through the door and asked Herrmann if he’d seen Sylvie. Said he was in town for the week and wanted to ‘catch up’.” Matt puts finger quotes around the words ‘catch up’ and scoffs. “Catch up my ass. _Everybody_ knew what he meant by that.”

“Hold on. He wants to start things up again?” Severide asks, brow furrowing. “ _Now_? After being radio silent for, what, a year or two?” He releases a derisive snort, muttering under his breath. “What a tool.”

“This is the lastthing Sylvie needs right now. Aside from whatever I messed up between me and her, she doesn’t need to deal with _him_ ,” Matt said, taking in a pained breath and ignoring the ache in his chest.

“So, what? She ditch you?”

“No,” Matt replies, offended on Sylvie’s behalf. Even in the middle of her own turmoil, Sylvie would never ditch anyone -- not even a guy who might _deserve it_ (like him). “She came back inside afterward. I don’t know what he said to her but she looked... _upset_. I’m not even sure that’s the right word. Frustrated, maybe? Frazzled? Bottom line, the guy showed up, messed with her head, and then left.” His hand tightens around his beer bottle as he explains. 

The look on Sylvie’s face when she came back inside stirred up a protective anger he hadn’t felt in a very long time. It wasn’t like the fear he felt when he heard Mackey’s 10-1 last week. It was...outrage -- outrage that someone would come into Sylvie’s life and spin her around until she didn’t seem to know down from up. One of the things he admired most about Sylvie was the fact that she knew herself incredibly well. Watching Antonio blow into town and throw her for a loop made Matt irrationally angry.

“I’d never do it,” Matt tells Severide with an irritated click of his tongue. “But I’d really like to punch that guy sometimes.”

Severide lets out a light chuckle. “Let me know if you ever change your mind and decide to act on it. I’ll back you up.” He leans toward Matt, holds up his own beer in a toast, and smirks. “Fuck that guy.”

A burst of laughter escapes Matt and he clinks his bottle against Severide’s glass. “Fuck that guy.”

“What happened when she came back inside?” Severide asks.

“She tried to leave, I followed after her, we ended up talking for a while in my truck. She’s probably halfway home now, though. She wasn’t in the mood to stick around and I can’t say I blame her. We rescheduled. I’m meeting her for coffee in the morning.” He sighs and takes a slow sip of his beer before saying anything further, giving himself time to think. “It was actually a pretty illuminating conversation that I’m not sure we would have had if he hadn’t shown up. So, there’s that at least.”

Kelly quirks a curious brow at him. “Oh yeah? Did it clear anything up for you? Not that I get why you’re so confused in the first place. Gabby left and Brett makes you happy. Seems like an easy choice to me.”

“You’re right,” he agrees. “It should be easy. I know I’m overcomplicating it. There’s just something bothering me about the _Gabby_ issue. I’m not even sure what it is, but anytime I start to think about her I freeze up. My head just gets stuck in a loop of 5 years worth of memories.”

“I would say I’m surprised,” Severide tells him. “But I’m not. It’s not my job to meddle in your life or push you into something you’re not ready for, but you’ve been _stuck_ for a long time, man. Aren’t you tired of it? You’ve had your chances to go after Dawson and you didn’t. There’s gotta be a reason for that. If you ask me, _that’s_ your key to solving your problem.”

“I stayed because I love Chicago,” he replies, as if it’s obvious.

Kelly rolls his eyes. “Yeah, sure you did. Look, I don’t doubt you love your city, but I know you pretty well. If you really wanted to be with Dawson, not even Chicago would keep you from her. Hell, a moving fire truck didn’t keep you from getting to Brett and you’re not even sure _what_ you feel about her. You really think that if you were still in love with Dawson, a _city_ would stop you?” Severide leans back on the stool, pinning Matt with a knowing stare. “Let me reframe Brett’s question for her, since I think this is what she was _really_ asking. If Dawson showed up here tonight, like Antonito did for Brett, and wanted to get back together...would you?”

“No.”

The answer escapes him before he even takes a moment to breathe and once the word is out in the open space between them, he goes completely still.

“No, I wouldn’t.”

Severide asked and he _answered_. Easy as that. Why the _fuck_ couldn’t he do that with Sylvie the other night?

“Why can I say that to you _now_ but I couldn’t say that to Sylvie _last week_?” He asks Kelly, brow creasing in frustration.

Severide scoffs and shrugs. “Can’t help you there, man, but you’d better figure that out because that’s the next question Brett’s gonna ask you. I guarantee it.”

“The thing is,” Matt says, tilting his head thoughtfully. “I’ve never really thought of Gabby and Sylvie in relation to each other. What I feel for each of them is so different and what I feel when I’m _with them_ is different. It never occured to me to choose, as ridiculous as that sounds. I’d never stopped and really examined any of it. Hell, I’d never talked to anyone about _having_ feelings for Sylvie until last week. So, if I don’t know _what_ I feel for Sylvie then how can I choose? _That’s_ why I said I don’t know.”

Severide shakes his head and sighs. “I barely followed that nonsense. Man, your head sounds like a confusing place. I get that neither of us are big talkers, but keeping all that to yourself all the time doesn’t help. You know that, right?”

“I do _now_ ,” Matt replies, internally cursing himself for never thinking any of this might come back to bite him in the ass. He should have known better. “And if the result of avoidance is hurting people I love then you can bet I’m never doing that again.”

A slow shit eating grin spreads across Severide's face and Casey gives him a wary glance.

“What? What’s that face?” Casey asks him.

“Play that last part back,” he requests.

Casey looks at him as if he’s gone a bit insane. He doesn’t understand. “I said, if the result of avoidance is hurting the people I love then you…” His sentence fades as he catches on. “The people I _love_?”

Oh, shit.

“The people I love,” he repeats, wonder filling his voice. Love. He _loves_ Sylvie. 

“Catching up with the rest of us now, are ya?” Severide asks with a wry chuckle. “About damn time.”

“I love her,” he tells Kelly, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I’m in love with Sylvie Brett.”

Stella appears to pick up Kelly’s empty glass and scoffs. “Coulda told you that about the time you jumped out of a moving truck. If you weren’t my captain, I’d call you a dumbass. With respect, of course.”

“Thanks, Kidd,” Casey replies in a flat tone.

“Welcome!” She calls as she walks away.

“So,” Kelly says, turning to face him while still chuckling at Kidd’s retreat. “Now that you know what we know, what’s next?”

His first instinct is to say “tell her” but he bites down on that answer and reins it in. Tell her? After what she went through with Antonio tonight, No way! Besides that, would she believe it? Or would she think he’s only saying it because he’s jealous of Antonio?

Which he is, but that’s not why realized he loves her. He realized he loves her because her pain is his pain and he’d do _anything_ to alleviate that. Even if that means forcing himself to confront the things he’s afraid of or the messy emotions he keeps trying to hide.

She told him to figure himself out _first_. That’s exactly what he’s gonna do. He won’t tell her the words until he can work his way through the tangled mess of emotions Gabby left behind.

Sylvie deserves someone who can leave the past behind him and put her first. She deserves him at his best. Sadly, he doesn’t even know what ‘his best’ looks like anymore.

Time for that ‘work’ he keeps promising he’ll do.

“Next, I figure out how to be the partner she deserves.”

Severide nods and clamps a hand down on Casey’s shoulder, smiling supportively at him. “That’s the right answer.”

Matt wraps it up after that, deciding he’s let enough of his emotions play out in public, and goes inside to pay his tab. The drive home is full of confusing thoughts. Simply walking into the apartment and going to bed has him on edge. He feels anxious suddenly, like he’s not where he belongs. And impatient too. He doesn’t want to take time to sort through his head.

He wants Sylvie.

Reminding himself that the only way to win Sylvie over, without fucking it up later, is to figure out his shit only does so much to soothe him. He stays up over half the night contemplating _Gabby_.

He told Severide he didn’t know how he felt for Sylvie so it was hard to hold that up against what he felt for Gabby. Well, now he knows. Holding his love for Sylvie up against his love for Gabby is the first thing he does.

With Sylvie he feels as if he can tell her his thoughts and what he wants out of life and have them actually matter. He doesn’t feel like he has to censure himself before he speaks because, even if she doesn’t agree, Sylvie is never dismissive. Their conversation in his truck that night was case-in-point. More important than her getting what she wants from him is his emotional well being. She went through something hurtful with Antonio in the past and now the present and their conversation could have been entirely about that but she took multiple moments to stop and encourage or console him.

Who does that?

Sylve Brett that’s who.

He hasn’t been in a relationship where he felt like what he wanted mattered in a very long time. Not since Hallie. Hallie cared what he wanted, she just couldn’t want the same things.

That’s another thing that’s different with Sylvie. That conversation shed light on something else. A fact that stole the breath out of his lungs. She wants the same thing he wants. Matt had come close to having everything he wanted a couple of times, but there’s always some wrench that gets thrown in the works. With Hallie, the issue was kids. With Gabby, the issue was her refusal to let him in. Neither are an issue with Sylvie.

He will always love Hallie. She was his first real love. They essentially grew up together. He learned a lot about how to love from her.

Loving Gabby was always a struggle from the very beginning. She impressed and intrigued him with her determination and drive as well as her passion for the people in her life. He wanted to be someone she’d be passionate about. He loved her with all he had in him. He would have given her almost anything just to keep her — he nearly did. The night of the fight that really ended it, he realized he was almost completely depleted. He kept giving and giving and yet it felt like they never progressed. Gabby _kept_ shutting him out.

About the time she accepted a permanent position in Puerto Rico, without even telling him, was about the time he realized he would never be a priority for her — no matter how much priority _he_ gave _her_.

So when she asked him to go with her, he said no.

Gabby wanted him to be her cheerleader, not her husband. No matter how hard or relentlessly he loved her there was no changing that. So, he did the best thing for both of them. He let her go.

When she came back last fall, nothing about that situation had changed. 

Well, that’s not entirely true. He changed. He was well into his feelings for Sylvie at that point too, which looking back makes him cringe. Sylvie’s seed of doubt, in regards to his feelings for her, was planted the night of that fundraising event. He should have noticed that before now.

But as much as he hates her doubt, he can’t bring himself to regret that night. Because, thinking about it now, it gave him the ability to choose for once. Gabby always made their decisions for him. She ran away from their fight. She’s the one who made the decision to leave for good. She sent him the divorce papers. Every step of the way their separation was _her_ choice. But that night, it was _his_.

He chose to stay the night and he chose to leave the next morning without waking her to say goodbye. He didn’t need a goodbye. The ability to choose to leave her was all the farewell he needed. And then she left that voicemail…

That damn open ended voicemail.

Much like Sylvie letting Antonio get her spun up tonight, Matt let that voicemail cloud over all the closure he’d fought so hard for.

Suddenly, he’s angry at Gabby for leaving the voicemail and mad at himself for letting it cause him to doubt. When Sylvie asked him her question, a week ago, that voicemail replayed in his head and caused him to falter, and it’s been screwing with him ever since.

He’s not in love with Gabby anymore. Hasn’t been for some time. Yes, he still has love _for her_. She was there for him after Hallie passed. She helped him get through that darkness and was there for him through so many other big life moments. He will never forget that and he will always wish her well. But being grateful to her and happy for her when she succeeds are vastly different than being _in love_ with her.

It’s Sylvie that makes him want to be better. It’s Sylvie that leaves him in disbelief that she might want him too. It’s Sylvie who’s touch he misses and craves. And it’s Sylvie who makes him want to make big crazy plans for a future that’s far from set in stone.

When he thinks of his life now or going forward it’s Sylvie who’s essential to it — not Gabby.

Which means their coffee date in the morning starts to feel big. Too big. Like the beginning of the rest of his life.

No pressure or anything.

He finally drifts off to sleep, but his alarm goes off barely three hours later. He has a couple of job sites to check on before he can meet Sylvie for coffee.

As he gets ready for the day, the unsettled feeling from when he got home last night is back. He’s been perfectly comfortable living in Severide’s spare bedroom for two years but all of a sudden it’s glaringly obvious that this room isn’t _his_. He can’t take ownership of anything in it. He didn’t buy any of the furniture. He didn’t decorate it. If he’s honest, the cold industrial style of the apartment has never been his favorite.

So, _why_ is he still here?

The answer comes to him in a flash of enlightenment. He’s still here because he’s been afraid to move on — to go forward and make new decisions or new mistakes. He’s been scared shitless to rebuild because who knew if rebuilding his life would actually make it better? What if the foundation he built it on crumbled underneath him again? He wouldn’t survive that a third time.

But allowing himself to continue living in this purgatory is setting him back. A new life requires new risks. He doesn’t want to wander aimlessly, never being able to claim ownership of anything. He’s always craved roots, stable ground. A home.

But he’s been holding himself back. He’s been tripping over his own feet long enough. It’s time to pull it together and start rebuilding.

It’s time to actually make Chicago his _home_ again.

Every plan has a first step and he’s just found his.

Step one, tell Severide he’s moving out.

He heads to the kitchen to get his travel mug and fill it with much needed caffeine and finds Severide and Kidd huddled around the kitchen island, cups of coffee in their hands.

Matt clears his throat as he prepares his coffee and gives Severide a hesitant glance. Is this the best moment to bring it up? Last time, Severide wasn’t open to the idea at all. But Matt can’t let his friend talk him out of it again.

Screw hesitance. It’s now or never. He snaps the lid down on his mug and meets Severide’s eyes with determination.

“I’m moving out,” he declares. “Not sure when exactly, but _soon_.”

Kelly smirks, quirks a brow at him, and toasts him with his coffee mug. “Okay. Let me know when moving day comes around. I’ll help you pack.”

Matt releases a relieved chuckle and nods once. “You’ll be the first to know.”

“If you need help finding a place,” Stella says, grinning over the rim of her cup. “I know someone who’s very handy with a spreadsheet and has an obsession with real estate.”

“As much as I appreciate that,” Matt replies, smiling widely at the mere thought of Sylvie. “I think I need to handle this one myself. It’s my baggage to carry. Not hers.”

Stella’s grin widens and her glance turns impressed, maybe even proud. “Damn, Casey. Look at you, all grown up.”

Severide laughs loudly and quickly kisses the top of Stella’s head before addressing Matt again. “It’s good to see you stepping up, man. It’s the right move even if I don’t mind having you around.”

“Thanks,” he replies, walking backward toward the door. “It feels like a solid first step. See you both later.”

He heads to work, stopping by his two sites to make sure the renovations are on schedule and waiting on an inspection for one. A little after 9, Sylvie texts him an address and says she’ll see him soon. At the mere sight of her name on his phone, the beat in his chest starts to do double time.

He thought he was nervous when he went to her place that night to ask her what he’d done wrong but that had nothing on what he’s feeling now. Now that he _knows_ how he feels his anxiety is ten times worse. He’s putting the pieces together and working himself out, sure, but there’s still plenty of room for him to fuck it up.

He arrives before she does and finds a table in the back corner facing the door. They’re aren’t a lot of people here, given the pandemic. The tables are spaced appropriately apart. It won’t be hard for Sylvie to spot him once she shows up. She walks through the door wearing a floral printed cloth mask a few minutes later. He can see the smile in her eyes, even if he can’t see it on her face. She waves and crosses the cafe to meet him. He stands and scrambles to pull out her chair for her.

She obviously wasn’t expecting that and nearly runs into him as he crosses in front of her to reach her chair. 

“Sorry,” he mutters with a wince as he slides the chair out from the table.

She laughs lightly as she sits. “Don’t worry about it, Matt. Thank you.”

He nods and points over his shoulder to the counter. “What can I get you?”

“Just a hazelnut latte is fine for now,” she requests.

“Right, hazelnut, got it,” he replies, nervously wiping his hands on his jeans. Why does she always turn him into a clumsy nervous idiot?

He orders their drinks, a hazelnut latte for her and a black coffee for him, and returns to the table. She’s gotten settled in while he’s been gone. Her coat and bag are hanging on the back of her chair and he can see her mask peeking out of the bag’s front pocket. He pulls in a deep breath as he comes back to the table. He can do this. No big deal.

It’s just the woman that he’s pretty sure is the love of his life.

It’s fine.

This is fine.

He sets her drink down in front of her and then sits down across from her with his.

“Thank you,” she replies with a polite smile.

“Of course.”

He gulps nervously as silence descends. It’s tense, but not their usual sort of tension. This is strained as if neither one of them know how to continue. It feels foreign for them. Everything about their bond so far came upon them so gradually and naturally, but this is far from either of those things.

“So, did you--”

“Are you feel--”

They both pause and share awkward grins. He clears his throat and then waves a hand, indicating she go first.

She presses her lips together and blushes bashfully before trying again. “Did you go back into Molly’s after I left last night?”

Yes. Yes, he did. And had a very important revelation that he loves Sylvie Brett like no one else before her and certainly no one else after her. (Though, he’s hoping against hope that there won’t be anyone after her.)

Nope, don’t say that, Matt Casey. Do _not_ say that.

While he tries to think of another answer he reaches for his mug, but he’s preoccupied and misses the handle. The mug slides across the surface of the table and the dark liquid sloshes out, spilling out onto the table and trailing toward Sylvie.

“Shit!” He curses, frantically grabbing napkins and trying to mop it up before the beverage can roll off the table and drip anywhere near her. He rises from his seat and reaches across the napkin holder, and condiments on the table to try and stop it. Narrowly catching it. “Sorry. Jesus, I’m an idiot.”

He refuses to look at her. He knew he had no game but does he have to be this hopeless?

“Matt,” Sylvie says, pleadingly.

He closes his eyes and winces but nods to indicate he heard her, continuing to wipe up the mess. He doesn’t look up or open his eyes and, after a long few seconds of silence, he feels her hand on his.

“I’m gonna need you to look at me,” Sylvie says, amusement clear in her tone.

He breathes deeply and then opens his eyes into hers. Crystal blue shimmering orbs crash into his and steal away the very breath he just took in. Her eyes are full of mirth and fondness as she speaks.

“It’s just you and me. Same as it’s always been,” she reminds him with a smile that’s bright and earnest. “Sit, relax, and _talk to me_.”

Damn that ‘no kissing’ rule of hers. The way she reaches right into him and soothes the ball of anxiety growing in his chest is such a relief that he wants nothing more than to kiss her senseless.

“I can do that,” he says, more than a little breathlessly.

Her smile stays completely focused on him as she squeezes his hand. “I know you can.”

He gathers the soggy napkins in the middle of the table and sits back down. Sylvie pats his hand with a sweet chuckle and then throws away the napkins for him, giving him a moment alone at the table.

Sit, relax, and talk. Easy enough.

“I called Antonio,” she says as she comes back to the table. “Officially gave him the bad news, and you know what?”

“What?” He asks, with half a grin.

She smirks and lifts her shoulders in feigned carelessness. “It felt highly satisfying. And you know what I thought about the whole time I was talking to him?”

He shakes his head cluelessly. 

“You probably don’t remember, but on the way to Rockford you told me nothing had to change unless I wanted it to. You said it about Julie, originally, but the whole time Antonio was trying to persuade me to change my mind, I thought about that advice. You were right. Antonio may be back in town and wanting things to change, but I don’t,” she explains, letting out a relieved breath. “So, it’s not going to. Simple as that.”

He does remember that. He remembers every moment of that drive, there and back. The fact that his words have such an impact on her puts him at ease. His feelings for her don’t change the friendship they’ve always had — if anything they _enhance_ it.

“There’s a flip side to that advice that I need to consider for myself,” he tells her.

“What’s that?” She asks.

“If you want something to change then you have to do something to _make_ it change,” Matt says, feeling bold enough to meet her eyes. “I’ve conveniently forgotten about that part for around two years now. But not anymore.”

Sylvie’s eyes search his expression. He’s not sure what she’s looking for but he refuses to hide. Not from her. She bites her bottom lip, looking thoughtful, before replying. “Not anymore, huh?”

“Not anymore,” he repeats, confidently. “I’m getting down in the trenches and getting to work, figuratively and literally.”

It’s a purposeful call back to their talk last night and the things she mentioned she wanted. Judging by the pink tint to her cheeks and pretty shy smile on her face, she understands his meaning clear as day.

She leans forward to rest an elbow on the table and props her chin in her hand, eyes sparkling hopefully. “Well, then I look forward to seeing your progress, Matt Casey.”

“And I look forward to keeping you updated, Sylvie Brett.”


End file.
